I'm still here

Been AWHILE, eh. Well, I'm still here. I think about writing blogs. When that happens, I'm usually lying down (or going to sleep at night) and thinking of what I would say if I had my pc in front of me and I was typing.

I think my main problem(s) is(are) that I feel lonely and unappreciated. I don't like my life the way it has turned out. I have a 16-yr-old son with Asperger's and he's negative most of the time. My husband of 26 years is never here, and since he has all the symptoms of Asperger's as well, he does not engage with me. He teaches all day, then comes home and isolates himself. No conversation with me. No help at home. He'll get up (he usually heads right upstairs to bed) and maybe watch TV with Steph, which she loves. He likes kid shows, which is nice, because I really don't. Noel just wants to be on his PC. Stephanie, God's gift to me in terms of the encouragement department, really abuses me, too. She blows up at the smallest things. And of course it's always my fault. BUT she is sociable and does have social skills (unlike the guys) and thus will talk to me and I try very hard (as I do with all of them) to be pleasant.

And then I have my brother, Dennis, down the street. Yeah, he's autistic, too. You think Asperger's in a teenager and hubby is rough. This guy is HFA (meaning he has language and can basically cope) but is the most self-centered creature I have ever met. (They don't call it autism for nothin' , ya know.) I remind myself to think of him as an 8-yr-old (that's how old Steph was when she passed him up developmentally). As my oldest brother says, he's just downright selfish. Yes, he is.

But, it's neurological so that's the way he's wired. If only he would be motivated to change. I used to have some hope of this (since Noel has been able to "put on" the social skills when he wants) but I'm convinced now that Dennis is so self-centered and since he has a very nice existence, that there is no motivation for him to change.

My goal in life is to remain calm and pleasant. HAH! Are you kidding? Does that sound like a depressed person.....just trying to make it through day by day, putting up with all the abuse, my life is just one of serve serve serve, and who, by gosh, takes care of ME? I gave up on hubby about 6 years ago, after 4 years of therapy and a hospital stay (mine) of a week on suicide watch. (And then he went in for depression and being out of his mind....he's really Aspy and bi-polar, and as long as he's on meds, he'll stay relatively calm. Doesn't do much for his social engagement though. He finally admitted to me he had faked his outgoing-ness during our dating times and early years. Great! Thanks, man. So I have every reason to feel betrayed....)

So that's what I do anymore, I take care of people. I try to reach out. Aspy son who's selfish, ADHD girl who does "get it", but blames too much on her mom, Aspy hubby who's selfish, ASD brother who's selfish... What did I do to deserve this. Mom is 60 miles away and of course who is her primary caregiver. Moi. I miss my dad, who died a year ago. I'm the one to drop everything (well, sister 15 mi. away is doing better, but only since her daughters moved away from home since last year) and take care of whoever needs taken care of. NO I don't jump at everything. But I do realize that, as long as I am taking care of Dennis, Paul, and Noel I will never have a full-time, paid job again. I loved my career. I miss it. I used to get respect there (even if I was beaten up. hah.) People at church, on Session, certain ones with whom I have to work most closely, don't show me respect. Two guys on the board of the virtual charter school where I serve (and was, until a month ago, president), don't respect me. Why can't people just show a little respect?

I admit I know so little compared with all there is to know out there. But I do have 25 years of career experience, I was VERY successful, but....see, if you're not in a full-time job now, it's like you've done nothing.

No wonder I'm depressed. I'm leaving several leadership positions as of Jan. 1. My plan is to go teach little kids Taekwondo. I'm settling for less. Used to have big dreams. Now, it's just to get through the day.

I prayed today that the Lord would have it that Noel would have a good day. That he'd get up, and appply himself to school, and that I would get to see that he can and will take responsibility for himself. Well, that didn't happen. After numerous attempts to get him up and going (since 11 a.m.), he finally just came up, and it is 4 p.m.

FORGET IT! I am throwing up my hands for today.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I need to make a coupse food items to take to Mom's. She's so so appreciative of whatever I do, and she does "worry" about me, and i am so thankful for her. But, she is 84 and the Lord will take her sometime soon, so that will be yet one more loss in my life.

I'm weary. I'm sad. I don't feel well. Steph is at her friends (thank goodness) and Paul is still at work (only the Lord knows when he'll return, and I won't see him anyway b/c he'll retreat), and now Noel is up and do you think I have any interest in dealing with his bad moods and trying to teach him some basic math which he remains convinced he can't learn. What will his future be. I need him to be able to live on his own b/c I can't deal with his mess and his negativity forever. I've already got a husband who gives me that. I don't want to relive the experience of my mom and have my son move out only when he reaches age 47. I think I will die first if that has to happen. But will he be able to exist on his own? He can't even get himself out of bed and brush his teeth without prodding.

May the Lord help me.

Here I am

Finally, I get to blog. I used to write a lot, in my younger days. Gave it up. Why? I don't know. No time, I guess. Or people peering into my papers or throwing them away. I have this idea it will be therapeutic....yes, trying to get over some low-level depression, which is starting to get real old....and then I've had this idea for a long time that I'd like to write a novel about "my story". My Life with Autism or I'm Still Taking Care of these Unusual Folks or (more provocative), How My Life Suddenly Changed in Ways I Never Expected or The Will to Stay Here. I have a long time to figure this out. (Maybe. One does never know....)

So I went back to my "way past" and succumbed to my hankering to download from Limewire some out-of-the-box songs I used to listen to in my youth. Groups like early Chicago (remember CTA?), Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Yes, Genesis. Saw all these guys in concert in the 70's before I shipped off to Colombia, S.A. as a foreign exchange student. Yes, that was the next chapter of my life. Several more to come, all very unexpected (at least by me).

We live in a dark, fallen world. Sometimes you have to look aggressively for the light. (But it is very bright and intense, even though not always large.) More on that later.

Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" really was a strange song, wasn't it?